Field of Beans: Flatulence, and The Oppressive Testicular Patriarchy
or
I Know Beans About My Gonads

by Big Dave, Guest Writer


A cursory, sophomoric assessment yields the obvious: this is an indication of the triumph of vulgarity over propriety and decorum. The beans, dwarfing the diminutive table setting, are such a common trope for flatulence in popular lore that it hardly bears mention here. This image giddily screams, “I am flatulence; hear me roar!” The ascendant juxtaposition of beans, agents-provocateur of flatulence, with the prim, lilliputian table setting can mean only one thing: Ms. Manners has been sent packing her bags. The importance of unrestrained flatulence looms large, while manners, propriety, sobriety, and decorum are ridiculed as matters hardly worth consideration. Family Circle may just as well have included the following caption (as Benjamin Franklin would have succinctly put it--and, in fact did), “Fart Proudly!”

Shameful. But...

More is rippling the metaphoric surface here than initially meets the eye. Let’s delve deeper with a keener thrust.

Beans have long been associated with sexuality due to the bean’s resemblance to kidneys or, more to the point, testicles. In astrology, beans fall under the influence and rulership of Venus, hence their connection to sexuality. Greek philosopher, mathematician, and mystic Pythagoras believed that beans contained blood or the essence of life, and would not eat them. (Legend has it that he met his death when his enemies chased him into a bean field, which he refused to step on because he believed the beans carried the souls of the dead). In North America, Hopi springtime rites involved puberty and a means to ensure the sprouting of beans. But I digress. Suffice it to say we may firmly assert that in this vignette beans signify raw, naked male sexuality—the beans depicted are of two varieties: the kidney beans are testes; the long, lush string beans are phallic in nature; the two are liberally sprinkled with almonds (which are “nuts,” the vernacular usage denoting the testes).

The beans (representing the testes) assume elephantine proportions, and seem oppressive, almost obscuring the dainty setting (representing womanhood, not-so-subtly reinforced by the chauvinist notion that a woman’s proper place is “in the kitchen”). Notice the furnishings: spare, wooden, Colonial in style—a clear suggestion of outmoded, puritanical conformity. Not only is traditional womanhood insinuated, but womanhood tinged with frigidity and the certain, choked claustrophobia of the inexperienced fellator.

Say, isn’t that a miniature cake on the table? Why yes. It must be the key to unlocking this obscene puzzle. How does the cake relate to beans? Elementary. An old Twelfth Night custom invloves a cake with a bean hidden inside. The person whose slice held the bean won the prize, and was considered “The Bean King” and “Master of the Revelry.” MASTER OF THE REVELRY?! Why, these objects connote nothing, more or less, than an enormous, seething male sexual appetite, unfulfilled by a repressed, unimaginative female.

Though the food photographer may not have realized it at the time, the arrangement of all these elements are an unconscious replay of licentious, true life events. You can imagine it, can’t you? If not, let me imagine it for you:

Marsha: Happy birthday, John! I baked you a cake!

John: Gee. Thanks, baby. But what I really wanted was a blowjob.

Nasty. Depraved, dirty and disgusting. Thank you, Family Circle.